Because you’re so bored with refreshing the “Tips” page… fine
| “If you store all your spare change on the floor of your car, you'll always be able to find spare change“ |
| “If you would like to time yourself during sex, do not start a stopwatch - subtly look at the clock at the start and end“ |
| “If you don't join the military, you won't despise running and shaving“ |
| “Shave without looking at a mirror“ |
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| “I have my own comedy. People should be quoting ME!“ |
| “If a fat person takes something in the grocery store, never buy it“ |
| “It is considered odd to memorize someone's PIN when they type it in, and then recite it to them several days later“ |
| “Wake up every morning thinking about your enemies. What more is there to motivate you?“ |
| “Always pretend to need assistance getting your groceries to the car. The store employees have to help“ |
| “Place a mirror in the bottom of your beer glass, so that your empty eyes will stare back as you finish your drink“ |
| “Keep paper towels by the shower in case you forget your actual towel“ |
| “I would buy a vape if the Giga-pet software was loaded on it“ |
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| “While at the gym and you don't know how to use a machine, pretend to stretch while reading the instructions“ |
| “Hiding in the woods is not pro-liberty activism.“ |
| “Women: When men initiate conversation with you, they're never just being friendly.“ |
| “See a person with a nice car. You have self-confidence? You think: 'that's a nice car.' You don't? You say, 'There's a guy with a small peen.'“ |
| “In the Big City, homeless people can tell you the places to pee“ |
| “Interject with 'BORING!' when your friends are mid-sentence. Either genuinely, or for comedic effect“ |
| “If you shaved your beard, you wouldn't get so much food stuck in your beard“ |
| “Don't lick people's armpits; some people wear deodorant“ |
| “I don't wanna discourage men from trying to 'steal girls' cause that's really the only way to get 'em“ |
| “Why would anyone read the whole Bible? Some of those books are better than others.“ |
| “When occupying a new residence, search it thoroughly for love notes left behind and pretend they were for you“ |
| “History education is progressively longer. Each new set of people that is born has to learn more and more stuff“ |
| “People hate Jar Jar just because they're told to“ |
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| “Don't say slang terms to your parents. You'll have to explain what they mean“ |
| “I'm starting my own podcast, called 'FAP to the NAP', where we just talk about the Non-Aggression Principle everyday“ |
| “If a man looks into your eyes, to determine the color, for too long, it might be gay“ |
| “If you're a man and you're into Derrick J Freeman, you're kinda straight“ |
| “Ironic homosexuality at an LGBT dance party gets boring real fast“ |
| “When there is a microphone, I bare my soul to everyone“ |
| “End the show when you have nothing to talk about“ |
| “Your twitter likes are a valuable asset, don't just give them out to anybody“ |
| “Kids are easily impressed and easily excited“ |
| “If someone uses my card at an ATM and presses 'Spanish' it should notify the police immediately“ |
| “Don't let anybody make you feel emotions or do 'inner searching'“ |
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| “If your audience makes an inference, that's their fault, not yours“ |
| “Don't look at mountains, they make you feel inferior“ |
| “Choking on your saliva? Don't sleep on your back!“ |
| “I have a pretty good grasp on what's not important - which is pretty much everything“ |
| “In a plane, look out the window, at cars; in every one of those cars is another person with a story“ |
| “Saying 'gay sex' in church puts it into everyone's heads“ |
| “Some girls would be homeless if they were ug-“ |
| “Surprisingly, the Mayo Clinic has nothing to do with sandwiches“ |
| “If you throw up while carrying out your podcasting duties, it is a worthy cause“ |
| “You can view any websites you want to at work when you're the IT Guy“ |
| “Exercise to release some of your anxiety“ |
| “No one eats a pumpkin, that's disgusting“ |
| “Everyone on Earth wants to neglect the opportunity to have meaningful conversation, in favor of quoting movies, and they all suck“ |
| “If your next door neighbors get stuck in snow on their driveway, run inside and peek out the window“ |
| “Don't let your gazelle get eaten by your lion“ |
| “Using God's name in vain is okay on a really good interception“ |
| “Your birthday isn't something you earned, and therefore nothing to be proud of; it's your 'sex birthday' that counts“ |
| “Before your child is born, make sure to secure the domain name for their first and last name. If it's not available, pick a new name“ |
| “Minimize restroom conversation: You don't have to fill the room with questions while holding your penis“ |
| “No need to be sexist against bitches“ |
| “People with ambition do things“ |
| “Happiness is for the weaklings“ |
| “It's stronger to pretend you didn't mess up and keep going“ |
| “Use the stairs“ |
| “If no one sits next to you on the plane, it means you're gross“ |
| “If you aren't sure you want a kid, adopt a 13 year old. Then you only have to do it for five years“ |
| “If a lady takes too long in the salad bar line, use different tongs and grab the stuff from in front of her“ |
| “Before wishing someone you barely talk to Happy Birthday! on their Facebook wall, make sure they are still alive“ |
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